Chinese New Year- What is "brave" anyways.

Woof.


That's honestly the best way to describe my Chinese New Year.

Prior to even coming back to Taiwan, I told my friend that I would be coming and she went "that's awesome! Hey want to come with us to Lalashan for Chinese New Year? I can give you more details later." Me being who I am, went "ALRIGHT!" Of course- I don't need details, I just need adventure. Typical Kim. It was exactly what I needed. I am the most self conscious of people and there was a point I kept apologizing for being weird because I would just be sitting there in total silence, watching Cynthia and Daniel talking, or admiring the scenery and realize: this is exactly where I need to be. We ended up going to Nantou County which is known for being very mountainous and full of hot springs and hiking. The original plan was doing a summit hike, which would have taken around 6-7 hours, as well as hiking down to a hot springs. I will say: I loved the time I spent, but I am so unbelievably glad we didn't do the summit hike. I would have died; like an actual physical death. Was I up for the challenge: 100%. Was I prepared for the challenge: negatory. The reason why I say this is because we did a mile hike down to the hot springs camp ground. While going downhill is normally fine and dandy: I was sore.  Like, calves on fire, regretting all life choices, contemplating chopping off my legs SORE. Worth it. Every bit of that hike was beautiful. I was impressed with myself that I could carry my own pack all the way down, and it had my tent, tarp, clothes, sleeping bag,

mattress, and other items for survival. Cynthia was impressed.... until I had to do the hike up, and literally wanted to die. I stopped every third switch back or so and just contemplated trekking through the bamboo forest to get to the parking lot because I genuinely hated my life. I made it though. How on brand for me... "wow I freaking hate this, this is horrible, omg wow look at this outcome and I survived, I'm such a tough cookie." In case you ever wondered, this is what it's like to be me.

                          Still, almost death-by-hiking aside. It was amazing just to go out and be in nature and hang out with my friends. We camped for a night, and then spent 2 nights in a cabin in the mountains that made me want to move to the mountains if it wasn't for my horrible allergies. The time I spent there I thought a lot about what it means to be "brave." I would definitely describe myself as a person who takes chances... I take probably too many of them if you ask my really close friends. (Shout out to Sonina who gets quoted at least 3 times in the proceeding examples) My best friend(see above) mentioned that I "swan dived" into something recently, and that definitely sounds like my personality. I continued to describe myself as a non-problematic Ryan Lotche. I think I have described myself my whole life as someone who isn't brave, but down for anything and definitely take chances. When I met up with my friend Kristie in Taipei back in 2017 randomly she went: "you know Kim, you haven't changed at all. You're still the same old Kimberley who is down for anything." No truer words have been spoken. Honestly- this trait gets me into a lot of trouble. When the outcome is good, people constantly tell me "wow you were so brave to do that." "wow you're so strong." "You're an inspiration," and when it goes wrong then it turns into: "you have a lot going on." "you don't seem to think things through." "your life is a little much." or my absolute favorite: "maybe you should take some time to think about that." Sorry, literally can't, no turning back. It's like telling someone who ripped a piece of paper to put it back together. Granted- not every example of my life choices are like that, but I think I move with a sense of finality in my life, that catches people off guard. Prior to moving to Taiwan I was talking to someone who told me that I was really ambitious but I make decisions impulsively or at least faster than most people do. I sat for a minute and then said to him that I don't think I make choices faster, or even more impulsively, but I definitely make choices more resolutely. I think to me, being brave isn't make the hard choice, or doing the cool thing, or doing the thing that I was afraid to do before, but it means to do something, and don't look back. 

I genuinely don't make decisions that I look back on and think "I wish I never did that." It's rare of me to say that I wish something hadn't happened. I think I have learned form every mistake I've made. I learned from times I burned myself, got burned, burned others, or triumphed over the hellfire called life. Sitting in this restaurant near our cabin in Lala Mountain I got an e-mail from someone that I have deliberately tried to surgically remove from my life. Those who are close to me know how hard it has been for me to get away from that person. Their e-mail gave me a panic attack at the table with Cynthia and Daniel, which resulted in me losing that game of munchkin, and let's be real: I don't normally lose games of Munchkin. I ended up talking to Andres about it and telling him there are three options I have: the brave option, the right option, and the best option. They were all slightly different. The brave option is the route I took. I cried a little bit, deleted the e-mail, then asked for help. Anyone who knows me know that I must have an entire world on fire if I am asking for help. To me that was the brave option because the person I asked for help from wouldn't have let me just walk away from the help I needed. I made a choice, I stuck with it, and I didn't look back. The right option would have been to reply myself but I knew I wasn't strong enough to do so without starting a conversation with this person and that was not a realm I wanted to enter, the best option was deleting it and moving on- but I would always look back on that and feel unresolved with it. The "best" option was what the world would have told me was the best (and was what others told me was the best.) I picked a different way that resulted in another e-mail, a little more strongly worded and accusatory, but not I feel resolved. This person isn't in my life, and has no reason to ever try to be again. I look at that and think: what I did was brave, it was final, and now I can actually feel like I walked away.

After that emotionally jarring experience I ran away to the beach with my friend Joe and attempted

surfing again. I am still in pain 3 days later.  The weather ruined a day of exploring, but it definitely was worth it. This Chinese New Year was definitely more adventurous than my last spent in Asia, all though I do miss all the food from the ShiLin night market. Being disconnected in the mountains really gave me time to reflect on my life, my choices, and enjoy quality time with nature (although it does regularly try to kill me); being at the beach reconnected me with myself, because I am secretly a mermaid. While I am almost too poor to function, I am nothing but grateful for the experiences of the last few weeks. It really has reminded me yet again: I am where I am supposed to be. I have been thinking a lot about a scripture I used to be obsessed with and how it still applies in my life and how even though I am a sinner, which- aren't we all, I still come back to this concept:

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all they ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. - Proverbs 3: 5-6.

This scripture hits me hardest when it says "paths." There are always more than one option, more than one path, more than one outlook; sometimes there are easier one than others. I will continue to take the brave path. The one that moves me to a different country  when it financially did not make sense. The one that helped me leave a relationship that wasn't healthy for either party. The one that brought me to a relationship that imploded but taught me a lot, and the one that brings me closer to my best self. Don't always be me, because being me is stupid, but be brave. Be resolute. Be confident in your choices.