What they don't teach you about life after abuse.

I don't usually feel like I have to start a blog post with a "trigger warning" but here is one.

If reading things about emotional abuse triggers you, please don't read it. But if you're looking for solidarity or someone who can empathize: you're in the right place.

I have grown up learning about abuse; I've watched countless shows about abuse, learned about signs of a healthy relationship in high school, read books about people leaving abusive relationships, and even have volunteered time to CAPSA and other organizations that come to the aide of those who want to leave or have left a traumatic relationship. Nothing, in the 24 years of my life leading up to this person would have prepared me for an actually abusive relationship would look like.

I won't give names, or incriminating details, but I will say if it wasn't for the support of my friends in Utah I probably would have moved out of the state with my abuser and been totally removed and isolated for the rest of my life. We were sitting together at lunch looking at apartments, jobs, and graduate programs for me out of the state during the course of our relationship. His reasoning later was "I thought if we could get away we would have a better chance of our relationship lasting without outside influence." Little did I know that was because he was also stalking/harassing his exwife during the course of our relationship.

Sometimes you don't want to see the signs.

Sometimes you are genuinely in love.

Sometimes you let your walls down and finally let yourself commit to someone and don't want to see all your "hard work" go out the window.

Sometimes you make excuses for their behavior because they've also had a traumatic life and you don't want to be another person in their anti-fan club.

Also sometimes: you need to really listen to the voice in your head and the red flags going off.


This week I really realized I removed myself entirely from the continent of my abuser, but I still don't feel healed. I am definitely better than I was. 


Before I can go into details on what I've learned, here's a little background to explain my abuse and the stupidity that is my actions. Learn from me. Don't be me.


Weeks before our initial break up, my friends had already written him off since he got caught in a lie and lashed out by calling my friend a crack addict, and vandalized my house. He deleted 3 thousand photos off my phone, including photos with no backups and snapchats, tore apart pictures that were in my house, and spent 2 hours verbally berating me as I laid in bed crying asking him to leave but he refused. He sat next to me as I had to delete and block every guy on my phone that's ever had a crush on me or that I ever went on a date with. I texted my best friend giving him a heads up and my abuser was angry that I said anything to him at all.

The day after we broke up the first time, I couldn't look a male person in the eye without bursting into tears or having a panic attack because I could hear the little [insert abusers name here] in my head yelling at me and telling me that this person was only looking my way because they wanted my body and that I was stupid for being alone with them in general. I had coworkers walk me to the bathroom because I still worked with my abuser, even though I reported him for harassment of me and using his work e-mail to harass his ex-wife. I couldn't hear certain songs, or drive past certain places without bursting into tears. I was scared of going to the grocery store and seeing him. I started feeling dissociation, I would be sitting with someone, talking to them, and then have a complete out of body experience and then burst into tears because I was confused as to where I was and why I was there.

Then of course, I was in total denial.

 I started feeling like everything was my fault.

I told myself that because I wasn't a "good" girl, that was the reason why he abused me and why he cheated on me anyways. I told myself I had to change and then he would treat me better. I changed my whole life. I went to work, went to the gym, went home and slept at 8pm. I didn't let myself be around men. I didn't let myself post anything on social media that was remotely suggestive. It didn't make a difference. 

When I thought we were "trying" again, he would look through my phone and accuse me of deleting text messages to avoid getting in trouble. He would threaten my friends lives if he saw us together and actually said "he deserves to have his face curb stomped into the pavement. You're stupid for thinking that they want anything out of you that's not just sex." He still kept telling me I was never going to be really loved by anyone but him, even though he had moved on and was in a brand new relationship. I was sexually assaulted on a date and called him crying and his response was "it's your own fault for going to his house anyways. You knew what would happened. No one ever just wants to 'play piano' for you." He made everything feel like my fault, and I believed everything he said. I isolated myself from my friends because they didn't like him and the feeling was mutual on his end, I lost a lot of weight because I couldn't eat without feeling sick and was terrified of going out to eat with someone and him seeing me.

When I got a text message from my friend here in Taiwan asking if I wanted to come back, I jumped at the opportunity. I knew deep down, if I didn't move out of the state/country, he would never leave me alone. I would never escape his clutches. Even while I was here, I got an e-mail from him, one was nice, the other was not very nice at all. If I get too physically close to someone I proceed to still have nightmares about him usually involving him showing up at my house and verbally berating me. I shouldn't, because he definitely has moved on, but while he may have moved on from me, I have not fully moved on from the trauma of my abuse.

Which brings me to the biggest thing they don't teach you about abuse.

You may never really move on, but you can definitely move forward. 

I am blessed with the opportunity to live abroad again, and have a great support of my friends here I have been able to move forward with my life. I have plans again, I can socialize again, I don't feel guilt as much, I can interact with people of the opposite gender without fearing repercussion. I may still have nightmares, and probably have therapy needed in my future, but I am doing much better now. I can't shake the feeling he'll turn back up somehow. Maybe he's quarantined and stuck in his own head and then finds a way to contact me although he's blocked on everything and tries to suck me back into the whirlpool that is his influence over me, but for now, I am safe, happy, and healthy.

If there's anyone else out there who has been emotionally abused or verbally abused get out. 

Listen to the voice in your head that says "this isn't right" and not the one that says "I deserve this." There are people out there who want to break down people who are typically confident and powerful as a sort of way to feel powerful themselves. My abuser kept saying that I wasn't "safe" and therefore I wasn't good for his mental state and that's why he acted crazy. Your confidence, charisma, energy, etc, is never a hindrance on someone's mental state. If they want to break you down to fit you into a mold that is abuse and not you being a bad person. If they keep saying your friends are a bad influence because xyz and tries to keep you from them that is abuse and not you having bad friends. If you watch the TV show "You" on Netflix and literally have flashbacks/deja vu of the same things being uttered to you, you were probably abused. 

I finally feel like I'm ready to talk about my abuse and it's not this dark little shameful secret of mine. I finally feel like I am no longer afraid of the term "abuse survivor" because I was afraid of looking weak, but being abused doesn't mean you're weak.

Growing and moving forward from all this has definitely been a challenge, and it's still an ongoing process, but I'm grateful to be in the place I am now. I am definitely in the right place at the right time and I see nothing but light in my future.



Abuse hotlines
National Domestic Violence hotline 1−800−799−7233
CAPSA (if in Utah) 435-753-2500